Not Even in Fiction
by Dragonball X Avalon
Summary: McGee is struggling with writer's block on his next Deep Six novel. More than that, he is struggling with his feeling's for Ziva. Takes place sometime during season 4. One shot for now, but there could be more


**McGee's Apartment 10:00 P.M.**

_And as he looked into Lisa's eyes Agent McGregor-_

"Dammit. What the hell is wrong with me tonight?" McGee muttered, tearing the piece of paper from the typewriter that he was using, crumpling it into a ball and throwing it across the room in anger. The piece of paper landed on the floor just to the left of the trashcan, but McGeee didn't bother to go pick it trash can was already overflowing with paper from his previous attempts. Not that the mess would be an issue if he could use his shredder, but given that his neighbor had already gotten angry with the noise once this week McGee figured he shouldn't push his luck.

He inserted another piece of paper into his typewriter and stared at it for a moment. Then he pushed his chair back and stood up, walking over to the kitchen. He needed a break. More than that, he needed a drink. He opened the cabinet and pulled out a glass. Then he pulled the bottle of vodka from where he kept it in the bottom of his fridge. Pouring himself a small amount, he brought the glass to his lips, draining about a quarter of his drink in one swallow. That wasn't normal for him. Tim McGee wasn't a heavy drinker, and he'd been teased by Tony more than once about his tendency to babysit his drink. Usually he did. But tonight wasn't a normal night. Usually he would be able to come home from work, have dinner and get to work on his Deep Six sequel. He would transition from Timothy McGee, NCIS special agent and computer whiz, to Tom E. Gemcity, bestselling author.

Tim took another sip of his drink, remembering when he had first started writing Deep Six. He had been required to attend a therapy session with one of the NCIS psychiatrists after he had killed a cop last year. The therapist had suggested he start journaling as a way to deal with the stress he was Tim had sat in front of his typewriter and tried to write a journal.

His first attempt had been...horrible. He just didn't want to journal. Not in the traditional sense anyway. What was he supposed to write?

_Dear Journal,_

_Today I feel like crap. Why you ask? Well, it may have to do with the fact that I killed a cop._

No. That wouldn't work. And in fact, nothing had worked. It wasn't until after the case had ended, after he had been exonerated, that he had been able to take another stab at writing. But this time, he hadn't sat down with any specific writing style in mind. No, he had just allowed his eyes to close and his mind to wander, allowing the events of the shooting and its emotional aftermath to consume him. That first night Tim had written over twenty pages, and when it was done, he actually did feel better. So the next night, he had written more, and then some more after that. Over time, the story that was Deep Six had been born, and what had started out as something to cope with the stress of his job had turned into a highly successful novel. There were even talks of a movie deal, but McGee still wasn't sure about that. The movie was never as good as the book after all.

There was one thing he was sure about though. He wasn't going to get any more writing done tonight. Sighing in frustration, he downed the rest of his drink and headed to bed. Maybe some sleep would help him figure out his problem.

Unfortunately, sleep wasn't forthcoming that night. He lay awake for hours, seeing that last torn page in his mind. He knew what was supposed to go there, what he had first planned. Agent McGregor would look into Lisa's eyes, see the pain that had been caused by Agent Tommy's unintentional comments and then he would embrace her. He would embrace her, and tell her that it would be okay. McGregor would be there for her, be the friend that she needed. But every time Tim tried to write that scene, he found himself stopping. He couldn't write that scene. If he did, it would be a lie. He didn't want McGregor to be Lisa's friend. He wanted McGregor to acknowledge the feelings that he had for Lisa. Feelings he had had since the moment he first saw her, but have never acted on. Feelings he would never act on, because women like Lisa didn't end up with men like McGregor. Because in this case, fiction was too close to the truth.

For all his denials, his character's were based on McGee's teammates. Except for McGregor. McGregor was based on McGee himself. And for McGregor to acknowledge his feelings for Lisa, McGee would have to acknowledge his own feelings. He would have to face the fact that he had feelings for Ziva David.

McGee snorted, shaking his head.

"Keep dreaming. A girl like her with a guy like you...not even in fiction."


End file.
